The Pain Of Living

So here I sit ruminating over the events and changes of the last couple of weeks.  At this point in the game I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when I close the business next year.  Perhaps another venture? Perhaps nothing, perhaps be homeless.  I don't know.  Quite honestly, I don't care anymore.  Somewhere along this path I've lost my give a damn and I haven't the energy to turn around find it.  It just doesn't matter.  Do I pursue monasticism, or embrace the sky.  Will I have colorful wings or the white blankness of a trappist's cowl.  The answer to me is as much a mystery as tomorrow is.  I just don't know.  If I were praying right now I'd ask for guidance from above.  But alas, I'm not talking to the higher power these days so that is a fuck all plan, eh?  Or perhaps it is not.  Perhaps it is my own selfish desires, my inability to relinquish control of every single little detail of my existence that is dragging me down  and making me so miserable.  Again, I don't know.  He is waiting...reaching for me...all I have to do is let go of everything else and cling to him.  The answer is part of the problem...